Even Though
I’ve always been an anxious person. When I was younger and out to dinner with my family, there would inevitably be a point in the evening where I would dash off to the bathroom. I was always convinced I was horribly sick. I’d sit in the stall and try to breathe, even though it seemed all the breath had left my body. Those slow deep breaths I so often encourage you all to take were nowhere to be found. As an adult, I can put words to this. Panic. Anxiety. But especially as a child all I knew is that I would have moments where everything just felt bad. I’d find whatever space I could find to flee, to hide, to try and pull myself together.
I still experience anxiety, even if I’m better at coping with it all. Sometimes still at restaurants, when things get too loud, too colorful, too stressful. But other times too. Occasionally in front of you all, whether you know it or not. I’ve learned strategies to slow down, pay attention to what’s in front of me. How to actually catch my breath.
But it doesn’t really go away.
This is something I knew back in those days hiding out in restaurant bathrooms. Finding a place to hide didn’t make the bad feelings go away. It didn’t change who I was or my brain chemicals. I still had to learn how to live through anxiety, even as much as I still sometimes wish I could banish it forever.
Even though I still experience anxiety, I can find moments of peace.
Even though I can be overwhelmed, I can persevere.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley
I fear no evil;
for you are with me
Those two words are powerful. Even though. As much as we know Psalm 23 as a Psalm of comfort, it’s not a Psalm that just makes everything better. There are still valleys and enemies and moments of death and dying.
Yet, even though, even though there is trouble, even though it is hard to get out of bed, even though there seems to be little relief, even though the world is not as it should be,
God is with us.
Psalm 23 is not about skirting the difficulties of life. It’s about finding peace in the midst of them.
Today is National Coming Out Day. For me, this is a celebration. But coming out is complex. You all have your stories to tell. Here at South Haven, we celebrate you if you have been able to come out and share the truth of who we are. We love you and believe deeply that God loves you, too. My prayer is that all who come out can receive this genuine love and affirmation.
Unfortunately that is not always the story. Coming out can be liberating, but it can also place folks in the middle of the darkest valley. Coming out can unleash an entire series of “even thoughs”. Even though my family doesn’t accept me, even though I continue to be misgendered, even though my church has kicked me out.
Psalm 23 is pretty clear. Even though any of these things may have happened with you, God is with you.
What I cannot promise is that God will take away all difficulties. That to me is a false gospel and promise. The gospel instead is God’s affirmation over you and your life. That God prepares a home and a place for you, not without enemies, but in the midst of them. God meets us where we are.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley
I fear no evil;
for you are with me
Our God is not a God of good times only. It reminds me of the way I still hear about folks talking about churches being closed. Church buildings might be closed. But churches haven’t been closed throughout this pandemic. What kind of church would we be if we evaporated at the first sign of trouble? We are adaptable in part because of the God we follow, and this is a God that remains steadfast through all times.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley
I fear no evil;
for you are with me
Might God bless you, even though you may still experience anxiety, even though the world does not accept you fully, even though we cannot wish away all evil. May the Spirit’s presence rest very near to you.
Amen.